per⋅se⋅ver⋅ance –noun 1.steady persistence in a course of action, a purpose, a state, etc., esp. in spite of difficulties, obstacles, or discouragment

I have had a lot going on lately and have been finding it increasingly hard to shrug off the constant onslaught of bad luck that seems to define my life. As a psychology major I realize that an important aspect of how we cope with the world around us is how we chose to interpret that which happens but with each negative thing it gets harder and harder to find the light. I am tired of having to really fight, not just do extra leg work, but really fight for things that a) I shouldn't have to fight for and b) things that seem to come so effortlessly to everyone else. I finally had peace of mind at the end of the Spring semester because I finally felt I knew what I wanted to do with my life, I was on a track, and nothing was going to stop me. Then the usual issues start. I go to get a job and my former employer is making up lies about me to justify their behavior. I am in a summer class with a professor that hates me and is making my life hell. This usually would only be a minor annoyance but my whole future in the teacher education program depends on the grade I get in this class. She really annoys me because she does her entire class verbally based (and I have a auditory learning disability and I pick up practically zero auditory information), she is constantly changing her mind about things, she isn't consistent with her syllabus and she has this "no question" policy where you have to set up a meeting with her in order to ask simple questions. The way I learn is by asking my question as soon as I am aware of my mistake. If I wait then my brain won't sort the information together and I will have an answer to a question that I have filed somewhere and can't find. It's very frustrating to have a professor that preaches about "no right answer" in teaching and that you have to teach each individual as their own person because everyone has different learning styles but then be unwilling to budge and help a student right in front of her. However, while I'm worrying about that I find out that I need to take this "Praxis I" test before I can go any further too and that the last date I can take it is July 25th but my adviser neglected to tell me this and it takes about 6 weeks to get registered so I can't do this... which puts me back a year and I'm already looking at three years. I also am trying to get the college to wave my General Education Requirements since I already have a degree but everyone I talk to tells me that this is somebody else's job. No one will step up and just help. I was really down last night and just tired of all the struggle that goes into getting something I want. I am good at working with kids, especially those with BD or LD and I really love doing that, yet I see people who suck at it and hate it get all the opportunities. I guess I was always taught to fight for what I believe, stand up for those who need help, I just wasn't taught how to do it without making waves. Growing up with a lawyer as a father you learn to look at the world very objectively. Things aren't a matter of opinion, they simply are one way or another. If you have a right, you deserve that right and people shouldn't be offended when you ask for it and vica versa, if you are doing something wrong and someone confronts you then you need to accept that you weren't following the rules, change, and not take it personally. However, this is not the way the real world works. People who are wrong and talked to are offended, people of authority who are cutting corners don't appreciate your observations but instead punish you for them. What happened to "It's not personal, it's business"? Criticism is a great opportunity for growth but we have set up a society in which criticism by anyone other that your superior is not considered and often that person is punished. How can we improve not only in our business but in our lives if we are unwilling to listen to what others have to say? It makes sense to me that those working below you are the best to give you criticism because they most likely see the real you and not the suck up you that your boss sees. Sometimes I wish I didn't have a desire to please those around me, and as I get older I feel I am more calloused and probably am losing that, but there was a time when I would push myself to the edge just to make everyone happy. I'm not saying that's the best but I don't understand how some people don't care at all how they are perceived by others and desire no input for personal or professional growth.

Anyway, my ramble has caused me to stray. The point is why is it so frowned upon to ask for what is rightfully yours? Why do you have to ask "nicely". It seems to me that if someone is withholding a right of yours, it doesn't matter how you approach it because it is a right of yours and they have no authority to withhold it. Yet, this is not how the world works and we are forced to tip toe around and extend the time in which it takes to rectify these things simply to keep those "higher up than us" happy. Why? Because they have power and don't appreciate criticism. My advice? Don't look at criticism as bad, but as an opportunity for growth. In fact, seek it out. The more exposure you have to it the more prepared you will be when you receive it and the better you will handle it. You will learn to crave feed back because you know that it is helping you to improve. Don't fear change, embrace it.

Meanwhile, I continue to fight for what I need to do and in the meantime I remember this poem my dad had me memorize when I was in first grade before I even knew what it meant. I remember him telling me what the words meant and telling me that this is how I need to look at the world. That no matter how upset I was, how discouraged, how down... remember this poem. So I leave you with this.

Invictus

by William Ernest Henley; 1849-1903

Out of the night that covers me,

Black as the Pit from pole to pole,

I thank whatever gods may be

For my unconquerable soul.

In the fell clutch of circumstance

I have not winced nor cried aloud.

Under the bludgeonings of chance

My head is bloody, but unbowed.

Beyond this place of wrath and tears

Looms but the horror of the shade,

And yet the menace of the years

Finds, and shall find me, unafraid.

It matters not how strait the gate,

How charged with punishments the scroll,

I am the master of my fate;

I am the captain of my soul.